“More of the Same”
(song written on August 11, but published to Patreon on August 26)
Okay! So this month's songs will be comin' at ya in rapid succession as I am getting this first one to you so late.
Like always, I've been crazy busy getting prepared for some things I've got coming up, and August provided a much-needed visit with my aunt and uncle in California - whom I cherish dearly but haven't seen in many years.
It was a great trip that was really good for my heart. I'll probably expound on that a bit more in my next post.
As I've mentioned before, it's weird to be an artist and try to be creative now that my life-in-general isn't a total mess. BUT, I clear the cobwebs, blow off the dust, and rifle through old memories like LP records in a thrift store bin.
"How listenable is this one?"
"I have another version of this, but perhaps this interpretation might be nice?"
"This might be too scratched to put on... the same phrase looping over, and over, and over..."
There was a really lovely moment in an otherwise destructive relationship many years ago. I was lost, really (sound familiar?)... I had just dropped out of college and was really struggling to get by, my aunt was in her second year bravely fighting cancer, and my uncle - my favorite person on the planet, my beloved, my idol, was about to undergo open-heart surgery. The relationship I was in was more out of convenience for the both of us: two friends who got along well enough but were not emotionally compatible.
We were friends though, despite everything. We shared a moment of emotional vulnerability where I just broke down sobbing one morning - a final shedding in a big transitional period I underwent that year.
To be completely honest, because I still wasn't over my ex at the time, I resented that I had to move on - I hated that I was going to have to be with someone else eventually... so why not now? It would help pass the time.
When we broke up I got my first tattoo, "Wait in the fire..." from Jeff Buckley's Grace. Buckley was a musical introduction my ex had made, and one that would be hugely influential to my own musical signature.
"Wait in the fire..." was a reminder of him, of the music, but also of the process of burning off dross, of being fortified by adversity - turning to gold.
In this moment of my anguish my boyfriend at the time, in a rare moment of poignant observation pointed at my own reminder on my arm. It hurt to know that he was right.
It was a nice moment that I had never written about. The disappointing part is it would take a lot longer to get through the worst of it... and even then, I knew it would.
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