“Better Together”
*New Song!* - April ‘21
This month’s song was based on a prompt submitted by Patron Larry, which was "we’re better together than apart."
... oof. Turning these in on the last day always feels real bad, but here we are.
I feel that in order to talk about "process" on this one as well as explain why it's extra demo-y in production value, there's something I should probably address: I've been burnt out for a while.
Truly, I've only done this to myself - my fathomless perfection-seeking met with my chosen method of pursuing full time income (i.e. making music for a living) is basically always tearing me limb from limb into 5 different directions. If I don't work, I'm struggling even more than usual to meet my overhead of survival. If I am alwaysworking, I don't do good work. It's a sad cycle. I know that I need time to rest and recover in order to do more (better and faster) moving forward, but then I'm met with this ceaseless question: can I really rest knowing there's more I need to do/could be doing (or previous commitments I've made that I have not yet completed/followed through on)?
Over the last few years I've learned about myself that I need a LOT of internal processing time, and only then can I be a good "producer" (cranking widgets like a worker bee). I get so bogged down with the minutiae of all the things that the creative side of what I do and who I am doesn't get watered, doesn't get nurtured. So there's a feeling that I'm working all the time on things I dislike in order to attain a very small sliver of time that I actually get to do what I enjoy. The thing is, by the time I finally get to that point and have the freedom (I don't know that I'd even call it that) to be creative, the well is dry.
There's this nagging voice that tells me I'm weak, that I'm lazy. That I need to suck it up and push through. "Other people don't need time off, everyone has the same hours in a day as I do." I've combatted this by taking up an interest of which I'm so fond I would almost consider it a hobby - productivity/personal development. How can I manage my time and energy effectively in order to do tedious tasks faster, so I can have more of those resources available for more fulfilling work? So I've set up systems, and am always trying to fine-tune and iterate on these to help me get through my days and weeks... But more always comes. A lot of the time it's the imaginative CEO in my brain that wants to immediately execute on all my ideas (and I only have myself to blame for that), but more of the time it's this "okay I've got to hustle" response of a scarcity and lack mindset. If I can't make my bills, I haven't figured it out. I'm not doing enough.
There's of course a higher level existential question that inevitably follows: well if I can't make my bills doing this, maybe I'm not doing enough... or maybe I'm just not good enough at what I do that would warrant covering my living expenses. (Cognitively, I don't actually believe this to be true, but when you're in the doomloop, it's hard to crawl out.) So that leaves two options: quit or work harder. Which do you think I choose?
I gave myself a bit of a reprieve at the end of October and then about a week around the turn of the New Year, but honestly I don't think it was enough. I know I need to try to fit more personal time into my regular routine so that I don't need literal weeks multiple times a year, but a future like that seems impossible while I'm in this cycle of being so burnt out that every single task is a chore that takes forever, followed by a sudden burst of manic productivity, which results, of course, only in burnout again.
I can't tell when I'm making excuses for myself and when I'm reasonably leaving things for future me because there simply aren't enough resources (time, energy, money, attention) for me to execute on them. You can probably tell where I'm going with this - ALL of this leads to general high levels of stress and anxiety ALL the time, paired with or followed by bouts of depression. (I'm in therapy and have been most of my life because clearly I have some fight-or-flight-response issues.)
It seemed like I needed to clarify the above to let you know the headspace where I'm living currently. Today is the last day of the month, but technically I've been working on this month's new song deliverable for a few weeks. Typically I write songs in one sitting: I always have. Sure, there are edits and revisions, but for the most part all that work is done at the genesis of the piece.
There was a pretty substantial session earlier in the month, but I got "stuck" (uh-oh), it was like midnight and I should have gone to bed already to be proficient for my commitments the next day, and didn't finish what I was working on.
This past week really did a number on me with "life stuff," which only exacerbated the burnout problem. Late sleepless nights, extra worry, and hours spent over several days at the emergency vet (with no phone/internet service! 😭) made it challenging to "tick off boxes" so to speak.
With today's deadline looming over me, I sat down again and started something new. I didn't love it, so I tried something else (from scratch). I did this maybe 2 or 3 more times. (Swapping between various instruments too!) Then I thought, well, maybe I can revisit the very first one. Spent some time there and still couldn't make it work. So back to the beginning again to find a different idea.
By this point I was even more frustrated and tired, so I finally got a skeleton of something that I felt comfortable turning in. It's already 9pm and I've barely slept, so I feel this is not a bad offering (considering).
This is a phone demo because it was just the best I could do given the time constraints. I've been wanting to use this new app (recommended to me by my friend Laura Scarborough) called "Chordium" - which is sort of an app simulation of an Omnichord (a really cool little instrument that I don't see myself being able to afford any time soon). It was fun to use and I think helped lubricate the creative wheels a bit - which was essential. That helped, since that gave me a frame of reference for feel and genre. Once I knew I was working on a _moorhaunter_ piece, that got the ball rolling a bit more.
I hope you enjoy it. I'm going to try to get some sleep and consider what other methods I can use to combat this exhaustion/burnout that I've droned on about tonight.
Hope you are well out there. Thanks so much for propping me up and making any of what I'm doing possible.
If that weren't already huge, I also get to spend time with so many of you on a regular basis (through the livestreams), which really helps not only ground me when I'm spiraling, but also fuels me emotionally and spiritually knowing that we're connecting over some of this work that I'm somehow managing to do. Thank you for being there.
As always, you’ll find an audio version attached below which you can download and add to your collection.
I’ve also created and attached some album artwork you can use in your library for this song as well.
Would love to have some more prompt ideas in the database.
Please submit yours here:
https://airtable.com/shrodK11b5AQQd8Bb
🖤 Lex
Original Patreon Post Comments:
rewards access:
