30s30d: D12
“At Death’s Door”
Prompt: unsure if I’m sure
Submission of Member: Tony A
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Wasn't really planning to write another bummer-folk tune today, but I had a pretty rough day today, probably the worst one in a while. I'm ok, just dealing with some interpersonal stuff in a work situation that was really uncomfortable and left me feeling attacked and then deflated.
Of course, I'm still just wiped out and exhausted and my "well" is not full right now because I've been going so hard with work lately. I'm hoping tomorrow will look a little brighter after a little more sleep and being gentle with myself. As I mentioned yesterday my systems and routines that help keep me on track have all but dissolved lately as I've tried to manically tick off boxes on a to-do list of things that I just keep adding to. So, tomorrow I really need to take even just a little time to regroup and reinstall some of those. (Like morning planning/meditation, sleeping enough, getting some exercise, etc.)
Since I recently also received an official late-in-life diagnosis of ADHD, I feel like a piece of the puzzle has finally clicked into place and now I can pursue further treatment. It's no surprise if you've listened to my songs or read any of my essays here over the years that I've suffered from depression and severe anxiety my whole life, so I've been in therapy on and off since before I was even a teenager. Definitely early-life trauma needed to be addressed, but especially throughout my teenage years I felt like there was _something else_, like I was just wired differently. In my 20s, I self-medicated with music and partying to the point where I didn't worry too much about the future because I wasn't convinced I would live long enough to endure the consequences. But then I met Eduardo and I could start to maybe see myself actually getting older.
However, particularly in recent years, I've felt like (and retrospectively noticed) that there was in fact that _something else_ that made me different that I could never quite put my finger on... time blindness, interrupting/correcting people, forgetting/losing things more than others, recurring stretches of hyperfixation and resulting burnout, and not being able to sleep, like, ever- because my brain just won't ever turn off. There are probably 50 other things I could list... including: rejection hypersensitivity, which is apparently an ADHD thing that keeps me from doing a lot of things other people don't find very challenging... like making phone calls for doctor's appointments.
I mention that because: I really need to make an appointment for the next step in my treatment but I've been piling work on myself in order to keep putting it off... 'cause the phone call thing (plus finding a time to go - because I don't have a car so I have to plan it so that I can take Ed's car or public transportation - but then do I want to take public transportation with covid? - okay so if I drive there, actually driving there -'cause driving is anxiety-inducing - and then where would I park? - plus, I think my insurance will cover it, but what if it doesn't? What if I get there and they don't accept my referral? And then I have to start all over? And what will it cost? And what if... blah blah blah blah ad infinitum). I mean, of course there's more to it than that, but that little slice should give you an idea of what goes on in this ol' noggin of mine at rapid-fire speed throughout the day (and night), every day.
Hey, it's not all bad, I *can* be insanely productive and creative, and for that I am thankful, I just want to be able to function like an adult... and while, yes, I _know_ no one ever REALLY has their shit together and feels like an actual adult, I still think that, despite my brain moving at 100mph all day long, when it comes to actually functioning in our society, I'm in the slow lane compared to most of my peers.
All of this leads me back to today's song. Just the feeling of always pushing the boulder up the hill... but then there's always more hill. I was in a similar headspace last night, so I while writing this song I *really* wanted to check to make sure I wasn't using the exact same melody and chords from yesterday's song, but I knew if I did and I found them to be too similar I would scrap what I had already done and just start over, and I didn't have the heart to do that to myself today.
After writing this one, I went back to the other and while they are similar, they're not the same, so - phew. They're not so different though, so I'm almost mentally calling this one "Cry a Little More Pt II"
I guess all of this is just a reminder for both you and I: if you need something, just take a little time out to take care of yourself. Almost everything will still be there when you come back, you'll just be better equipped to take on whatever comes next.
Tomorrow I'll be singing vintage Disney songs on Twitch at 8PM CST.
I'm really looking forward to that because Disney songs are serious spiritual comfort for me. Come join me if you have some free time...
Hope you had a nice weekend -
More manic ramblings paired with some kinda song comin' at ya tomorrow...
L
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